Monday, June 3, 2013 – Tantrum Day 1

5am – 1:30pm Woke up, got ready for work, got fed LOTS of bread and pastries, came home with a tantrum because I keep feeling fat from eating so much during work.

2pm-4:30pm nap away my unhappiness. Japanese cheesecake, strawberries.

6pm-7:30pm Korean for dinner with fiance’s dad. Seafood pancake, shortribs.

8pm-9:30pm Evening stroll

Have been feeling not-so-good at/after work lately… feeling sad, unhappy, uncomfortable, … fat. Happened again today (Tuesday) but I guess I’ll write about it later.

Korean was good.

Meh. :\

Sunday, June 2, 2013

7am Woke up, ate a piece of bread, and got ready for work… Fiance is taking me to his workplace to observe/help/hang out/be in the way this week. He works in a bakery.

7:30am-1:30pm Met his boss and co-workers. Lots of me standing around being awkward. They kept giving me bread to eat throughout the morning, being a bakery and all.

2pm-3pm rest time

3pm-9pm Went out, met fiance’s friends – had sushi again! Love it, can’t get enough of it, and will probably be seeing more of that in the upcoming days. Also had some milk tea with tapioca and takoyaki – later that night, strawberries.

The day went by really fast! Had to sleep early because weekdays we have to get to work two hours earlier.

June 1, 2013

10am Fiance made me an awesome breakfast this breakfast :)

tamagoyaki with daikon // cheddar sausage ; & salad with avocado, tomato, onions, balsamic vinegar and oil

12pm-2pm Napped… was really sleepy
4pm-5pm Went out to a Greek restaurant for the first time!

HUGE serving!

For appetizers we had kalamarakia (fried squid with tsatziki dip)

As an entree, I had a vegetarian plate which included: spanakopita (spinach pie), Greek salad (cucumbers, tomatoes, feta cheese, kalamata olive), hummus, dolmathes (marinated rice wrapped in grape leaves), rice pilaf, and roasted potatoes&string beans.

I finished most of the plate except the rice and traded half a spinach pie for my fiance’s roasted lamb.

5pm-8pm Lots of walking! Up & down hills and stairs, walked half way around the lake (because I had a really bad stomach ache and couldn’t go on), overall really fun. Shared an ice cream sandwich

It was soo good. The ice cream tasted like whipped cream and the cookie tasted like cookie dough!

So that was pretty much my day. :) another good day!

 

May 31, 2013

5am Woke up to get ready and get a ride from my mom to the train station
5:45am Fluffy, thick piece of bread lol
6:15am Made it just in time to catch the train! It was superr crowded.. And there were delays – and they got worse during the day, so it was a good thing that I went early. I got to the airport around 7:30am. Ate another piece of bread.
8:30am Went through security and the machine thingy said I had stuff on me when I DIDN”T!
11am Began boarding the plane. I slept half/the majority of the 2 1/2 hour flight.
2pm Landed safely, went through customs, found my fiance!
2pm-4pm Travelled back to his place, met his mother, rested a bit
5pm-7pm Went out with fiance and his cousin to the mall, ate sushi (yum) for dinner, and then shared a Rainbow slush (banana, pineapple, mango, strawberry). Yum!

sushi!

It was a good day. :)

May 30, 2013

So I’m writing this on May 31. I’m at the airport and blogging on my Nintendo 3DS lool. because i don’t have a smartphone, hah. it’s a little difficult (and slow) but it’s bearable.

Anyway yesterday… yesterday was ok. had a smoothie (almond milk, banana, mango), salad (chicken, almonds, croutons, pretzels), and greek yogurt.

around 3:30pm, my mom came home with fresh bread & snacks.Had 3-4 slices of bread, a pastry, roast duck, sesame wafers & taro crackers.

picked my baby sister from her talent show rehearsal @4:30..shopped for a bit and came back an hour later. soon after, walked my other sister to the high school and by the time i got back it was around 7.

dinner was veggies, kimchi, and vermicelli.

i ate a little too much when my mom came back but all was still well. yesterday went by better than the past week, that’s for sure.

in about 5 hours i’ll be landing..the flight is at 11 but i got here super early at 7:30. dont want to risk getting lost and stuff.

anyway, im not sure if i’ll be able to or have time to blog while i’m over with my fiance, but we’ll see! so far i’ve had 2 slices of thick fluffy bread..yum. :s

May 28 – 29, 2013 – Blurred

Tuesday, May 28

My days are really starting to blur together.

The only thing that reminds me of what I ate are the sporadic things I write down in my journal. Yesterday I ate a bunch of bread. Another weakness of mine is freshly baked bread, among pizza and desserts lol! I also finished the last slice of pizza.

Ate a bunch other stuff throughout the day.

Wednesday, May 29

Tried to eat healthy.  If I’m going to eat or binge… I might as well have nutritious food, right? All I’ve been eating lately is cookies and crackers.. nothing with nutritional value at all. No vitamins and no minerals.

Had a smoothie that I split with my sisters – made with 3 oranges, 2 bananas, and 1 avocado.

Then had two servings of a rather unhealthy salad (lettuce, grilled chicken, wonton strips & crunchy chow mein noodles, almonds, dressing) and two yogurts.

I spent the rest of the day snacking on a bunch of 100 calorie packs, fudge bars, and lots of pretzel sticks.

Had a rather large (but at least nutritious) dinner – string beans (stir fry with oil and garlic), leek, steamed fish, pork, taro.

The fact that I’m starting to forget the food I’m eating, and also the fact that I’m starting to care less and less about what I’m eating is a sign that I’m slipping.. I know how the cycle goes.

If I’m starting to forget what I’m eating it means I’m not paying attention to what I’m putting inside my body.. which means it’s probably not healthy food. I’d remember if I ate something healthy, but when it comes to junk food, I eat SO MUCH in quantity, that I probably unconsciously force myself to forget I ever ate it.

What calorie counting provides for me is a way to gauge and make sure I’m not overdoing it…and in all honesty, it’s reassuring for me. It shows that I’m conscious about what I’m putting in my body and being aware of that also reassures me.

Anyhow, my mom says it’s about time that I make an appointment to see my doctor soon for a routine check up… to be honest, that is an even bigger motivator to lose weight than seeing my fiance. I know my fiance will find me perfect just the way I am, so really it’s not that big of a deal to me that I won’t be at my goal weight when I see him on Friday.

The doctor’s on the other hand… that’s where it all started. I was ten or eleven when my doctor said I was overweight, and that’s when the “dieting” began… By the time I had my next check-up (within a year) I had lost the weight and they praised me about it. From then on, it was never the same.

 

May 27, 2013 – Not a Great Start

9-11am Impulsive decision.. I decided to cut my hair by myself and get a fringe. Came out looking ugly but in the end I (kind of) saved it with a straightener :x

11am-2:30pm Ate a greek yogurt before heading out with my mom and sisters. Grocery shopping. Baby sister got her ears re-pierced. Visited my grandma, ate some gimbap and prickly pear 

3pm Came home.. and I wasn’t going to eat anything too crazy but I did, and went crazy on food.

Black forest cake, two slices of pizza, a lot of bread, buns, two bananas, cherries, choco pie, candy

4-6pm kept myself somewhat busy, didn’t really do anything productive

7pm fudge bar, taro, etc etc.

What is this…

 

May 26, 2013 – Pizza :(

9-11am
2 bananas – 200
1 peach – 70
Cherries – 70
1 granola bar – 100
1 pot sticker – 50
1 cookie – 50
Total: 540

1pm
Costco samples – (chips, dips, hummus, salad dressings, smoothies, yogurt, hot links, cheese&turkey wrap) ~200?

3pm
Pizza – 150
Sandwich – 300
1 dried plum – 20
Lemonade – 100
Total: 570

7pm-10pm (binge) 
Yogurt – 80
a billion pizza slices – 1500
2 granola bars – 200
2 cracker packs – 200
cookies – 200
Black sesame pudding- 300
misc –  500
Total: 2900

Total: ~4,300 calories

Spent the morning cleaning the house with my sister and mom, then went shopping and went to Costco for some groceries. And my mom decided to buy a pizza.

After we came home, we ate a lunch and then I spent the rest of the day trying to keep myself busy.. up until around 6 or 7 I got really bored but didn’t boredom eat – found a way to keep me busy until 8, when I decided to have a small dinner and be done …

and then the pizza happened. I was just going to have some yogurt with a slice of pizza but it kept becoming slice after slice after slice, and I don’t know. It really frustrated me and at that point, I was just eating everything that was there.

So I didn’t have a very good evening.. and I’m really upset because it’s T minus FOUR days before I see my fiance and I keep screwing up and ughh. I don’t want to be feeling like this before I go see him or else I might actually turn my back on it and skip the whole vacation ..because I suck.

Four days. From my past experiences, I know that four days of non-binging really helps my body noticeably.. so I really need to keep trying and just remind myself of what my goals are.

May 25, 2013

8am Chicken broth
9am-11am 2 granola bars, 1 peach, 1 banana, yogurt
5pm Dragon fruit
8pm Wedding reception! Jellyfish, deep fried crab cake, soup, mushroom & abalone, steamed fish, roasted duck, fried rice, 2 red bean filled sesame balls, 1 almond cookie. And then alcohol ;)

I think this would be around 3,000 calories.

Saturday was a pretty good day. Spent most of my morning and afternoon drawing, drawing until we had to leave for the reception, where my cousins and I waited forever (and hungrily) for food! I indulged a lot – it was such a relief to come home and take off my belt… LOL.

I’m a really light drinker… my cousin kept sneaking gigantic sips from my wine glass so I didn’t drink too much, but still enough for me to pass out once I got home. LOL. It was barely half a glass.

Some things I’ve noticed that I improved on:

Not too long ago, when my family and I went out to eat at big dinner parties, I would eat a lot-  at least way more than I do now. The way Chinese dinner parties work is, they serve a large platter of food that’s shared among the people at the table – so you get to choose how much you put on your plate. They usually serve 8 dishes (lucky number) for bigger events so you can imagine that’s a lot of food.

I used to repeatedly go back for seconds, thirds, fourths and stuff myself soo much. But recently I’ve only had seconds at most and I try not to stuff myself to the point where I’ll get sick, though, I still have a major weakness for desserts! Which reminds me, we left before the wedding cake was served lol.

Something else I noticed was that when I came home, I didn’t look for more food! Before, every time we came back from a huge dinner party all stuffed, I would go home and eat some snacks – I don’t know why, I just did. Be it cookies or crackers or full on meals, I always ate a little something extra when I came back no matter how stuffed I was.

I was thinking of having some hot chocolate when I came home but I changed my  mind after holding the packet in my hand. Instead I just went and brushed my teeth, headed off to bed.

So, Saturday would be what I call successful. :)

May 24, 2013

I’m up pretty early today, writing this at 7am on a Saturday morning…I can never sleep in.

Let’s talk about yesterday.

I drank mostly tea the first half of the day. I don’t know how to describe it, but it felt very… “cleansing” ? I know I have been eating a lot of junk the past few days so I felt very “cleansed out” which is a good feeling.

4pm After I picked my sister up from school, we went to Subway for lunch (err, after school meal?).

I got a footlong oven roasted chicken on wheat with spinach, onions, jalapenos, banana peppers, and mustard. (630)

[(http://www.nutritionix.com/subway/nutrition-calculator): this website lets you build and customize your sandwich to find out the nutrition for it! ]

I ate half there in the restaurant, and then finished the second half around 5 or 6.

8pm Had some broth (100), kabocha squash (100) and a greek yogurt (80).

Total: 910 

Finally … a day gone right.

Today I’ll most likely be eating more because we are attending a wedding reception – that’s okay. I honestly don’t mind eating “more” – but when I’m losing myself in my binges, that’s when it’s bad.

The difference is, when I’m consciously eating more, I actually enjoy it. I’m enjoying the company and the delicious food.

When I binge, I feel like I just can’t stop eating. I don’t enjoy it, and I wish I could stop and the food tastes bad but I still eat it. I feel shame when there are people around.. it’s overall a bad feeling.

It kind of reminds me of the beginning of Hulk.  When Bruce turns into the Hulk, he pretty much loses himself and gets out of control – when he reverts back, he feels ashamed of what he did.

Anyway, there is one more week until I leave for Canada to see my fiance. I’ve had a depressing first week home, so I really need to step it up and make the days following up to my vacation really count. At this point I probably won’t be able to reach goal weight (not the highest priority right now) but if I can keep my binges under control  I’ll be pretty happy either way.